Hello, I am writing back on my first blog. The blog that let me release my creativity. The blog that help me figure out who I am as a writer. Now I am writing on here because I have no place to turn. This website has become an old reliable of some sorts.
As I have gotten older I understand no human being should be looked at as super man all men have faults, and all men have their demons. When I see my father today I see how fragile life is and how quickly life can deteriorate.
Now let me state this before we talk further, my entire life my dad was blind in one eye, he was able to live his life and there was never really any problems. When I was in elementary school my dad then lost most of his eye sight in his good eye that made him "Disable." Now I put disable in quotes because he was still able to do most stuff and was able to live a normal life. In fact he became a great home dad and was able to help take care of my granddad when he needed help. It all was fine and never a real problem.
As I grew up I started to see the world like it is, and understood that adults are just trying to figure things out just like me. I went to college and decided to get away from my home and see the world for myself, and see how I would fit in this world. After college I came back home to try and figure out what my next chapter would be, but that is now when it turned.
I started to see the cracks of age within my dad, his eyes maybe getting a little worst, just I thought pretty standard things and he would be ok. My dad and I both massive Nova fans watched them run the tables in March and become National Champs, we were both on such a high, nothing bad could happen, our team were champs off a buzzer beater! Then in a Lee Corso the world said to my family, "Not so fast, my friend." A week later my family was hit with tragedy, our family dog had cancer and we only had 48 hours left with him before he was put down. It was rough for us all, I know it sounds cliche and awkward but he truly was my best friend. It sucked I still can't get that image out of my head in the office, walking around UPenn just praying that it wasn't cancer but knowing it was not good. After my dog pass the house was quiet strangely quiet, but I tried to spin zone it; My dog is not in pain anymore, I can move out of my house and not feel as guilty, all these type of excuses. So after about 3 weeks my father had enough of the silence and we adopted a dog.
We went to an ASPCA to rescue a dog, and we ended up with a young puppy, and called him Trey. Trey was cute as a button and very loving, but the problem was he was a puppy a needed training. I did not want to be the one who trained as I was still looking for a job. My mom works 50 hours a week so is not home enough to train him, and that left my dad. I had my concerns about my dad but on a scale of 1-10 it was a 3. My dad took Trey to training classes but stopped after a few weeks, he thought it was not helping, and we could do it on our own.
Now this in the part of the story that I hate, but this is the part of the story is the reason I am writing. Now we have a puppy making the house crazy, and my dad starts to really be unbalance. He is walking into things. He gets these terrible shivers and shakes every few weeks. I realize that maybe this unbalance is his eyes are really going and everything had become a struggle. Then I start to realize how much alcohol my dad is drinking. Now my father has a separate room where he showers and has clothes. In his room is where he hides his vodka. He puts a good amount in his cup and then fills it up with water and has an individual lemonade packet. He does this almost all day, I realize when he gets the shakes is when he ran out of alcohol and it is withdraw. I believe with his drinking problem and his eyes in terrible shape, he has become a fragile man.
It is really tough watching my father become almost a shell of himself. When growing up he was the cool dad on the block, everybody loved him, he took me and my friends out and was always great. Now anytime he leaves the house and I am worried. One night my dad was so dizzy/drunk he fell and destroy part of the bathroom. It is just so tough not knowing what to do. I am the child I am not suppose to tell my parents what to do, they are suppose to guide me. As the only child I know it is my responsibility to take care of them when they are old and gray. The problem is I am 24 I should be worrying about taking care of my parents at 34.
I feel like I am stressed 24/7, I have accepted that I will not be able to live just a carefree twenties that so many people are able to, but I just needed to get this off my chest. Maybe it is because I am single child and feel it all. I do not know I am hoping writing this it will help with some stress. I really have no solutions, and no idea if there is a solutions. If you have some ideas more then happy to listen to them. If I feel some stress release from this post maybe I will post a part 2, who knows, but if you read this I do appreciate it and more grateful then you could imagine.
P.S. As I am writing this my dad and I were talking about how his eye sight has worsen and everything is a struggle. He was doing that while pouring himself a beer. This is just the world I live in now I guess.
P.P.S Also sorry if the grammar is horrendous I did not spell check, or anything I just wanted to express my soul.
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